I've had an interesting summer of trying to make certain changes in my life that hopefully will allow me to live more true to my contemplative nature. Some of this has been very hard. But once I got the process seriously under way, I found way opening (hence my last posting). Certain things started falling into place. There have still been ways the journey has been hard, and doubts and anxieties were never fully erased, but overall, I have felt a sense that I am on the right path.
One of the manifestations of the change is that I am buying a house. Earlier in the summer, I thought, "wouldn't it be great if I bought a house this summer and moved and then started my new life?" I would have these flashes of a "vision" of where the house would be (which neighborhood). I saw nice gardens, and the house was red. These were like daydreams, except that they would come to me spontaneously. In truth, I did not believe that this would be possible. I felt deeply stuck and dangerously "tempted by despair" (to paraphrase George Fox). From a rational perspective, this seemed totally impossible. It was a long-term vision for my life, not a short-term one.
The vision was odd in some respects. The neighborhood I envisioned was one of the most desirable and expensive neighborhoods in my small town. I do not have a special fondness for red houses in particular. And, while I like nice gardens, I am a little daunted by the efforts required to maintain nice gardens. So I would think that my "vision" would be a more modestly-colored house in a humble but quiet neighborhood with a small, neat yard, but no fancy gardens.
Yet, my "vision" re-appeared with a compelling sense of impending reality. It's hard to describe. This sort of thing has happened to me before, so I took it seriously. Yet I could not believe it.
Then one day I heard of a house for sale. And yes, it was a red house in that neighborhood, with beautiful gardens. In fact, it was a house I had admired but never dreamed would come up for sale (I knew the people who lived there, and assumed they were here to stay). And the price, surprisingly, was within reach.
That shook my world. At the time, my despair was high and my energy was low -- but as soon as I saw this news, my soul was electrified and I knew that everything would change. And everything did.
The full story is dramatic and maybe would be worth telling some day, but for now I will just say it looks like this is in fact really happening. It's possible that I will be moved into my new house and my new life in a week (yet the exact moving day is still uncertain, so I don't know yet).
Meanwhile, the school year is also soon to start. And so, yes, on the surface, I feel plunged into chaos. Managing a move at the start of a school year is, in general, not a good idea! Yet, I am happy and dealing with the uncertainty remarkably well. And I think that is a good sign.
5 years ago