Strangely enough, I think I'm finally becoming a grown-up.
It has taken me much longer than I'd like to admit.
I started off this crazily busy semester half in depressive despair, and half in angry rebellion.
Now I've become the calm center of a storm of busyness raging around me. I work long hours and tame crisis after crisis. Nothing is easy. Everything unfolds into unusual complexity. But I take it all in stride. It cannot surprise me or shake me anymore. This is just how it is, I realize with a not unhappy resignation.
I'm good at this, and I'm glad to see that, because it is going to help me through.
But this is not how I want my life always to be.
For now, I will enjoy the kind of satisfaction that handling difficulties well can bring. I watch what all of this does to me, and I am amazed. I am after all becoming stronger and wiser. And in seeing this happen, I am grateful all over again for what it reveals: the redemptive power of God's love. Yes, redemption is real. God is real.
Even my own depression and rebellion were nothing to match this. Massive as they felt at the time, they did not have the power to undermine the good work I was capable of doing. Life's intensity blasted off the chaff of my soul, revealing a strength I did not even know I had. The source of this strength is not me in myself. It is rooted in the deepest ground of my being, which is goodness, which is God, which is love.
5 years ago