I’ve actually been having a rough time since my return from the U.K. This is why my writing here has been tapering off lately – when I try to write, it turns unacceptably negative.
This past weekend, I finally realized that I am feeling a Great Shifting in my soul. I realized that I have been feeling unsettled because I am in fact being called in a new way. The features of this call are starting to crystallize, which is exciting but also terrifying.
Discerning leadings and callings is very difficult. At least in my own experience, I find that I can go through long spells of sensing that something is coming, but without quite being able to make out its shape. Then, when it does start to take shape, I can be so eager for clarity and direction that I can be too quick to take my first impression of its shape for It Itself. But this earliest stage of clarification is where I have to be most careful, because what I first see will be what is familiar. I have been striving so hard to make sense of the great, vague movements of the spirit that, as soon as I can put a label on at all, I am tempted to codify the leading rigidly in that form – a form at last I can get hold of; a form at last I can control.
But this is seldom (if ever) the final form the leading really will take. Most genuine leadings do bring something very new into the world, and so casting them in the old forms of what is already familiar and comfortable to us is almost always mistaken.
We must have the patience and discipline to keep waiting and watching. While we can “try on” different interpretations, we must initially hold those interpretations lightly, keeping our eyes focused, so to speak, on the shifting vague shapes behind the interpretations we tentatively hold up.
That is where I am: at the fragile preliminary stage of the first crystallizations of a new leading.
This is really why I’ve felt unsettled: this may change my life in significant ways (just when I thought it was time to start really settling in to a calm, quiet, and predictable life at last). And this is why I’ve found it hard to write about my life, except in negative ways. My soul is being shaken down. Sometimes maybe we do go through negative phases in preparation for new positive directions.
So, I cannot write specifically about my new ideas yet – I’m not sure I can fully trust my first impressions of the nature of this leading. But I’ll probably be writing more as it does clarify in a more reliable way.
In the meantime, I will note that we are having an absolutely beautiful springtime where I live. Maybe I will post some pictures.
5 years ago