Again, but this time in an inverted way, I am amazed at what a difference Place can make. I felt like my real, true self at the Quaker Study Center where I lived last month. I felt healthy. Life was in balance. And it felt like my life came into clearer focus.
Now that I’m back, I feel all fuzzed out again. I struggle to regain a happy, centered sense of self. My return has been much more traumatic than I expected it to be.
What accounts for the difference?
More importantly: can I bring my new clarified sense of self into being here at home? How?
The one glimmer of insight I’ve had is that I’ve let myself establish too much of a reputation of competence here. This means that I’ve let others define me according to what they need from me. This is what makes it difficult for me to feel like my full, true self here.
I come back to a sense of busy people hardly noticing my return, except that eventually they glance up, and murmur, “oh there you are. Can you hold this for me?” and thusly do they start to pile their stuff all over me.
I become invisible. I become buried under all these coats and hats and scarves that others drape all over me. The difference I’ve made to the landscape here is the creation of a new bulge crowded with other people’s stuff.
If I propped up an actual coat rack underneath all of this stuff, and slipped away, no one would even notice me gone.
Should I just do that then?
7 years ago