Yes, more bad luck -- my front door won't unlock. The latch turns, but the deadbolt refuses to move. I thought to myself, "ok, I'm now well-practiced in asking for help -- maybe I'm supposed to try to figure it out myself now!" So I pulled out a screwdriver and took as much of it apart as I could, but still could not figure out what was wrong or how to fix it. So I put it all back together and lapsed briefly into a depressive slump.
The next day (yesterday), it hit me. My life has gradually been drifting into Reactive Mode. I'm taking these little glitches too seriously. I'm lapsing into an overarching sense of feeling set upon, or feeling beset by problems. I've been letting these external events define me, negatively: "I am one to whom these kinds of things happen."
What I need to do is work to regain a positive sense of who I am and what I am called to do in the world.
What's really ironic is that in all of my advising of students (I have 42 advisees), I've become quite eloquent in encouraging them to take active control of their lives and education, and to use their education and experiences to clarify their understandings of who they are in the world -- and yet I'm at the same time losing that very sense for myself!
This is the peril of busyness.
The more that things come at me, demanding responses, the harder it is for me to give myself permission to pause and remember who I am.
I had the right idea in the summer to be sure to take time on a regular basis to choose to do that which helps remind me of who I am and gives my life an overarching sense of meaning and coherence. (This is what "integrity" is all about.) I had the right idea, but, unfortunately, I have not been so good at putting it into consistent practice.
But now I realize the urgency of doing this. So, I am devoting this morning to doing this, and also to implementing a plan for how to keep doing this on a regular basis.
6 years ago